


A Feeling Only for Me

by Goldom



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Autism Spectrum, Cute Ending, Developing Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Introspection, Useless Lesbians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-21 14:17:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15559566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goldom/pseuds/Goldom
Summary: Understanding each other is hard, especially when it's hard to understand yourself.





	A Feeling Only for Me

**Author's Note:**

> This piece uses a custom work skin with color-coded text, but should be legible with an accessible theme or screen reader as long as it can distinguish [em] tags.

_Two weeks._ It’d been two weeks since she’d told Hina how she felt, and each day had been harder than the last. That first night, returning home after Hina had _(hadn’t she?)_ cheerfully agreed to go out with her, Aya had collapsed into bed, her hands clenching uncontrollably in the aftermath of adrenaline and relief. But as day after day went by and nothing changed between them, doubt started to creep in _Why do I always do this; I can’t just accept that maybe I did something right_ and grew until it drowned out Aya’s short-lived joy.

 _Now here she is sitting on the floor of my room, not paying any attention to me._ Aya had invited Hina over to spend time together outside the band. _Is this what couples do? Should I have taken her somewhere? How do girls not be “just friends”? I don’t know what I’m doing._ She’d hoped to do something to move their relationship somewhere, anywhere, but had only made things worse _. Big surprise there._ Since Hina had arrived, she’d barely spoken to her, and the longer it went on, the thicker the uncomfortable silence grew.

 _Not around her though…_ Hina seemed to be perfectly happy. She sprawled on the rug, humming to herself and doodling in a notebook. _It’s like nothing ever fazes her. It’s beautiful. She’s beautiful. She’s so frustrating! I can never tell what she’s thinking. Does she even know we’re girlfriends?_ Aya’s chest tightened at the thought of the word. _Or maybe I’m the one who doesn’t realize that we aren’t._

“Hina,” Aya murmured. It was only a sigh to herself, but the mint-flavored ball of fluff on the floor perked up. _Mint-flavored? What am I thinking?_

“Aya? What is it?”

Aya glanced around, unable to meet Hina’s sparkling eyes _How did I not realize sooner how gay I am_ and began fussing with her own hair. “Hina…” _Just do it just do it just do it, no, stop, don’t ruin the band over your own feelings, ugh, just say it already_ “I love you.”

Hina tipped her head a few degrees, her smile even and unchanging. “Mhm! Thanks, Aya!” And with that, Hina went back to her drawing.

Unable to move _Stop shaking, arm; calm down, calm down,_ Aya stared blankly. _What the heck?_ “Can’t say that to anyone but your sister, huh?” The words fell out of Aya’s mouth. “Every day, ‘onee-chan, onee-chan.’ Even in the middle of performing! And Sayo barely acknowledges you! Am I that unimportant to you?” Aya came to a choking stop as her throat closed up, as she realized how loud her voice had gotten, as she saw Hina’s face.

Hina suddenly looked so small. _And her eyes… are wrong._ In place of their ever-present glow, Hina’s eyes stared blankly at the floor. _What did I do? What the hell is wrong with me?_ Aya felt frozen, the air in the room too heavy to breathe and the silence… _Wait, no, she’s…_

Hina was still humming quietly. Even in the still room, Aya could barely hear the tune over the heartbeat in her ears. “Hina, I’m sorry,” she whispered. They both sat completely still, every moment pushing Aya’s pulse higher. _Did I break her?_

The sound of a finger joint popping brought Aya’s attention back into focus. Looking down, she realized she’d been gripping her dress, kneading at the fabric. _I wonder…_ Slowly, shaking, Aya scooted forward off the bed and slid onto the floor. Keeping her eyes on Hina’s downturned face, she reached down and sunk her hand into the pile of the rug. She gently slid her fingers back and forth, turning the nap dark, then light again, over and over. _Please work please work please work._

As her own breathing began to calm from the rhythmic motion, Aya finally saw Hina shift: Her hand fell off her leg onto the rug, and after an agonizing moment, began to stroke at the fibers.

They sat in silence _Together? Is it wrong that this is the most ‘together’ I’ve felt with her?_ as gradually, Hina’s small finger movements turned into larger circles, and then came to a stop. Aya looked up suddenly as the song Hina had been humming also cut off.

“Aya, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

Aya stared. Blinked. Stared again.

“Ay—”

“Am _I_ okay? What— Why are you apologizing to me? I’m the one who…” _I don’t know what I did, why did I do any of this, and now she’s—_

“I’m sorry I scared you. Sometimes I get like that, where my head is all ‘bssbss’ and I don’t say things for a while. It used to really scare my sister. She’d be like, ‘Hina! Hina! Say something!’” Hina put on a stern voice imitating Sayo, and despite everything, Aya had to suppress a smile. “But all that yelling just made me want to be even quieter. So thanks for not doing that!” Hina grinned brightly.

 _Now she’s thanking me?_ “Hina, I’m really, really sorry about what I said. I…” _wish she’d never come over today; I’ve ruined everything_ “I’m just… sorry.”

“Why are you always so scared, Aya?”

“Scared? I’m… scared I ruined our—” _Friendship? I don’t even know._

“Mm-mm,” Hina shook her head, “scared that you’re not good enough. I mean, you’re really terrible at those weird poses you’re always making, but you’re good at lots of other things!”

_ Just let that one go this time, Aya, you deserve it. _

“Like,” Hina continued, “Whenever someone writes a negative comment on our videos, you’re like, ‘I deserve it! I have to work even harder!’ But I think you’re already really good!”

“But…” _No way out of this._ “You don’t love me.”

Hina shrugged lightly. “Dunno! I know I love my sister because that’s how sisters work. But I’ve never had an Aya before. I don’t know what that feeling is called. It’s just kind of…” Hina held her hands up and squeezed them into fists a few times.

Aya repeated the motion. “I’m this?” _What, does she want to punch me?_

“Not like that! This!” Hina wiggled closer and grabbed the puffs of hair on either side of Aya’s head. “Pffpffpff!”

Her nerves still completely on edge, the slight pull of Hina’s hands shot a shiver across Aya’s body. “I don’t really understand still.” _But please keep doing that._

“Me neither. Emotions are really hard. It’s not like playing the guitar!”

Aya coughed a quick laugh. “No, it’s not.”

“All I know is I’ve never felt pffpffpff from anyone else. That’s my Aya feeling.”

 _A feeling only for me?_ Aya thought about all the people in her life she loved – her family, her friends – _This is different. Calling it love doesn’t really say anything._ She looked at Hina, who had moved back and was sitting on her knees, looking completely calm. “Can I hug you?” _Why do I keep speaking bef—_

“Sure.”

 _Oh._ Aya pushed herself onto her knees, leaned forward and put her arms around Hina’s back. “This is my Hina feeling.” _Uwaa, that was so corny, I—_ Aya felt something soft press against her cheek and unclenched her eyes to see the top of Hina’s head, her cheek against her own.

“It feels nice.”

* * *

When cramping legs finally forced Aya to sit back down, the glow of the moment passed. “Um, Hina… About before, what I said was really inappropriate. I don’t want you to choose between me and your own family. It’s just hard when I hear you saying you love her all the time, but not me. That’s no excuse, it’s just…”

“Yeah, you were rude, weren’t you!” Hina accused brightly. “But people say I’m rude a lot too, even though I don’t mean to be. So it’s okay.”

“Just like that?” Aya said.

“Hmmm, well you know, you’re wrong about my sister. She’s a little scary, but I think she actually loves me a lot. And she’s really amazing too, and her music is like, da-dan! She’s why I started playing the guitar, so it’s like she gave me PasuPare. And you!”

 _She really lights up talking about her._ “You must really admire her. It’s actually… Well, it’s cute seeing how much you care about her.”

“Hm? What’s cute?” Hina tilted her head.

_ This girl is going to kill me. Is she teasing me? Or does she really need an explanation? Ahh, I’m so tired of second-guessing everything. _

“You are.”

“Hehehe, I know!” Hina beamed. “You’re cute too!”


End file.
